“Ew… you’re not a negger, are you?” What to do when someone accuses you of ‘negging’ her on a dating site — and how to tell when she’s negging you.

by Harmony's Riddle

If you’re a guy, you almost certainly have dealt the “hot/cold” game from women.

She’s attracted to you in one moment, then suddenly disinterested in the next.

Within that game, she may slide from “keenly interested” to “maybe interested” before (temporarily) freezing you out completely. That calculated ambivalent “in-between” period is when her version of negging begins.

Are You Weird?

For example, she may say that she’s not sure if you’re “weird” or “normal”.

The average woman’s worst fear is to be anything but socially flawless at all times. A “weird” person is one idiosyncracy away from being a social reject, also known as a “loner” or “creepy”. Her status as a woman in her social group is always at stake; she’ll likely assume that her worst social phobia must be yours, too. The word “weird” accordingly has a tinge of social control (“if you’re weird, I’ll reject you and you’ll be a nobody”) that is generally absent when said between two men.

Testing Your Chill Factor

Negging is one of her ways to find an answer for the question: do you take yourself too seriously?

She may use the typical bully tactic of hiding behind “just kidding” or “it was just a joke” after saying something rude. She may just try to get away with bitchy/entitled behavior outright, to see whether or not you respond appropriately. An appropriate response is firm and with a knowing sense of humour rather than passive-aggressive resentment or explosive rage.

She may playfully say something to people nearby about how you’re not as cool as you think you are. If you become embarrassed or angry, you’ve also proven her right. (This is called putting you in a bind, by the way. Learn to do this to her as well. More about that later, maybe.)

Given that the average man is larger and stronger than the average woman, her tendency to neg you often-and-early makes perfect sense (up to a point). She needs to know that you’re safe, and that when she (inevitably) acts like an emotionally immature brat once in a while, you can deal with it effectively without hurting her physically or using excessive emotional manipulation to get what you want.

A Double Standard That Leads to Fake Moral Outrage

Yes, it’s a double-standard: women are raised to be emotionally manipulative toward each other (since physical conflict is frowned upon between girls). She will, however, zealously accuse you of being manipulative if you’re too visibly good at playing her game.

This is where it can get tricky. Time for a pop quiz.

Question: now that you can see how women are already negging you, why do they whip themselves into fake moral outrage when guys use negging as well?

Here’s a quick online dating story:

On the dating site, I once found a woman who strongly resembled the actress Liz Hurley in her younger years (I may have told you this story before. It’s still relevant). We chatted for a bit and I found a cheeky way to mention that she looked unusually flawless, to the extent that I simply couldn’t believe the age stated on her profile. (The implication was that I was suspicious that she must have been lying about being older, rather than the other way around).

Was she flattered?

Nope. She completely freaked out, screeching in her next message about how she in fact does have wrinkles and even a grey hair or two.

Then she went straight to the gutter and asked if I was a “negger” (a headscratcher of a term for quite a few reasons, some of them fairly amusing in a different context).

And that was the end of that conversation. Hide and Block.

You’ve come up with your answer to the pop quiz above?

This entry turns out to be super long, so it will be posted in a few parts.
Keep your answer in mind for next time.